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December 4, 2012
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"Mama..?"- a little, odd-eyed girl, of 3, at the very most, glanced at her mother. Her eyes were mismatched,  one of them light blue, the other pure white. The flickering light of a nearby candle made it change tone, blood red, the pupil slit.

"Yes, dear?"-a long-haired woman called out softly, the silver tresses spilling down her shoulders like fine, soft silk, covering her sturdy figure-"What is it?",- she asked without turning around, continuing her preparations, shoulder lightly rolling.

"Why is my eye like this, mama? Are papa's eyes like this..?"- she asked sweetly in response. The woman stiffened at the phrase , letting out a sharp breath, her voice harsh as she turned to look at her daughter. Her light blue eyes seemed age-old as she harshly responded,-"Not now, dear, we'll talk of it when you're older. Now head to bed, it's an early rise tomorrow for the Gathering".

"....Yes, mother",- said the little girl as she clambered softly at the stairs, her hidden wolf ear pulled back knowing not to mess with Mother when she was in a Mood. She chewed her lip, and shifted into a young silver wolf pup when she was by her bedroom door, out of sight. She knew her Mother would not have approved of the action, but the Wolf was as much part of her as she was of the Wolf. Her Mother was the same as her, she felt deep inside, she HAD to understand, and yet she mused about being dangerous, they weren't Witches, they were Wolves. The little girl sighed, and continued musing, curling up to rest be the fire wih a soft grumble, the end of her fluffy tail covering her nose.

-Two months later-

A little girl sobs, her bony body convulsing on the earth. Here lies dearly beloved………caring mother and skilled………
Chapter 1: [link]

EDIT x2: Thank you to ~wtfudgewaffles for pointing out some things that I missed, and other elements to improve ^^ I think I've gotten MOST of the kinks out of this :3 If any of you notice anything else that's not quite right, feel free to comment .u.

EDIT: Thank you for the critiques ^^~<3 Added some edits according to the suggestions within it :3

Decided I would try and post the novel I've been working on. I don't know how much I'll end up posting to dA, but any feedback, advice, or even opinions would be very nice ^^ If I work on this long enough, and there is interest, I'll likely post the character reference I'll be working on, and maybe make a cover page :3

If you'd like to know more about the novel:

'Innocence is not always White' is a fantasy novel that follows the journey of an odd-eyed she-wolf through the lands of Halzhi after her pack was killed. She comes upon new findings about herself when she meets a strange, aloof male, answering questions she'd had for years, and made her wonder about her lost past, which she gradually rediscovers over the course of her journey, keeping close to Shenha, the wise wolf that raised her in spirit, even after his gruesome death. She knows not why she travels, but yearns to know what she is, and a purpose now that her pack is lost to her.

So far, the novel is PG13 for language and themes, but it will likely go up to PG16 for nudity and sexual themes.

'Innocence is not always White', its characters and terms is the intellectual property of me, =Lisim. Any and all similarities to other written works, figures living and dead and past events is completely accidental. Any use of any aspects of this novel without my written, explicit permission is a breach of my copyright, and will be dealt with if removal is refused.
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:iconcelticirishgirl:
Critique by CelticIrishgirl Dec 4, 2012, 3:30:01 AM
Nicely written! It makes you think at the end, 'Was it the little girl or dad who killed the mom?' it makes you also think, 'Yeah, is the dad's eyes like that, too?' And the title already gives you that feeling, oh no! kind. I think this should be some kind of series of like, I don't know, some kind of horror thing. I think you should write more pieces like this, and maybe give a hint WHO killed whom. Besides that, I really enjoyed it. Sorry if this is a bad Critique. ^^; My third one, so I'm still new.
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:iconwtfudgewaffles:
Critique by wtfudgewaffles Dec 4, 2012, 5:54:01 PM
A very interesting plot, and I am looking forward to reading more of your novel! You have very good descriptions, but there are some unnecessary gaps. I know that as a prologue/first chapter, this part should leave the reader hanging, but some things need to be explained to keep interest. For example, in your piece, when the little girl went back up the stairs, "her hidden wolf ear pulled back" is confusing. Does she have actual wolf ears? Does her mother have them? Are they metaphorical, indicating something inside of her?
Also, there are a few run-on sentences. The first one, especially, was like a massive dump of visuals. Break it up into smaller sentences, so that the reader has time to digest it.
I like the very specific word choice you put in. It gives the characters personality and the feeling of actually being there. Another form of visuals, in a way.
Something I would advise for the dialogue is for you to think about how someone of that age would speak. Like when the mother says "Yes, dear", it sounds very motherly and gentle. But when the girl responds, the "Um" is not what a little girl would say. Small children blurt out exactly what they think, and don't stop to wonder about the results.
The last thing I want to point out is the shift in tense. You started out in past tense, then in the third paragraph, you switched to present. Then it went back to past, and finally, you ended in the present. The last part might be meant to be in the present, showing that it is where the story actually starts, but before that, you should keep the tense constant.
Okay, I know I sounded really harsh, but this is actually a really great start. Not too many grammar mistakes, which is more than I can say for some others, and I can tell that this novel will continue to capture my attention. Awesome beginning, and I hope you can update soon!
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:iconxxeternalwolfxx:
xXeternalwolfXx Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012   General Artist
Wow, I'm already pulled in. There's so much suspicion which is such a magnetic chracteristic for a book to have. I can't wait for the next part. ^w^
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:iconmaulise:
Maulise Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so very much >u<~ it really means a lot ^^
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:iconxxeternalwolfxx:
xXeternalwolfXx Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012   General Artist
Your very welcome. c:
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:icondessiechan:
dessiechan Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Whether or not you post all of it on DA, you should definitely let me read all of it at one point. > u> :heart: It sounds so interesting.~ Despite a few grammatical flaws (upper / lower case letters and a lottttt of commas) it's just perfect, Lis. :3 Great job.
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:iconmaulise:
Maulise Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hehe, I will <3 And thank you >w<

The upper case/lower case is a choice, if you're referring to 'Mother' and 'Wolf' ^^ As for commas, I'll have a look through it thank chu *u* :heart:
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:icondessiechan:
dessiechan Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome, dear. :meow: :heart:
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:iconvivisaurs:
Vivisaurs Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
it looks much better ^^
i like it, i bet a lot of people will like it too!~ ^^
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:iconmaulise:
Maulise Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much ^u^ Pays off to edit things you write at 1 am ._.
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:iconvivisaurs:
Vivisaurs Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
your welcome!~! ^w^
i like editing my things, it makes them better and i feel glad to see them like that.
writing at 1am is fun to me!!!
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:iconmaulise:
Maulise Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, yeah, I agree, though, normally, when I'm writing I'm all 'Ooooh, yesss, thins is half decent ^^' and when I read over it I'm all '*FLIPS TABL£* THIS IS CRAP Dx' ._.
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